My spell today was "Let me want to stay sober for myself."  Somehow I have convinced myself that I stay sober because others want me to more than because I want to.  The first time I got sober I really wanted it so bad I would go to any lengths to stay sober (leave Micheal, stay single, let people in, lived the life)  This time as  I had sunk lower in my disease, I really just wanted to drink but reluctently decided to come back to AA to live and get my life settled.  But in the back of my mind I really just wanted to drink.  Get that ease of not worrying anymore about 1.  My love life or lack of it  2. that there was somwthing so broken in me that could not be healed 3.  it was too much to expect from me to become honest, expose myself flaws and all 3. I would be lonely alone 4. I am not capable of taking care of myself

That is a lie.  I am capable.  I have made bad choises.  The bottom line is I held on to my house for 36 years and only that one time had problems with making rent etc and that was because I was new at it and just was irresponsible,   The foreclosure threat scared me so much I never got to that point again.  I can be steady.  I am steady.  I am practical.  I will do whatever it takes to keep living in my home for the rest of my life.  My biggest fear has been homelessness.  Somehow I convinced myself that two was better than one to rely on combined resources to keep in my home.  I can do it myself.  I can do it myself.  I have resources.  I will do what it takes to live in my budget and pay my bills.  Somehow I want to keep myself scared so that I will be ever vigilent to protect myself.  But that was reaction not good judgement.  Good judgement takes longer and is safer.  Whebn I drink it takes away the huge worry to always to on guard.  To fend off the killer.