Iused alcohol to forget and be happy-get thosegood feelings.  I would wake though and tell myself I was not capable, that there was a defect in me. the I didn't have what it takes to be responsible, to take care of myself, to make good or the right decisions, to be respectabable (if people knew I would be shunned), to be a good person.  What I gad gone through defined me so much no matter what I did (and yes I fought back-put on a good front, stayed open to the world somewhat.  Took the right paths or tried very hard with jobs and schhool.  Naturally I wouldn't take on too much in a job becaiuse I knew I was so broke and I didn't think I was capable but I must realize that I was capable. I made mistakes by not speaking up, admitting fault or letting me honor that gut feeling (Richard Dywer)  What stopped me was that small little girl Barbie who was screaming for my attention It was me whose attention I wanted!! The more I did what was against my better judgement and closed down and let it happen the more that little girl screamed out by provoling those old painful fellings of I am not good, I am dependent-because face it when you wre a child you forever then after it happened wanted to run and get away and go where nobody knew mw and be and get safe and start anew.I am ther now.  I can filally begin anew.  I need Mark out bad and the only real struggle is with myself.  I will go and can be fine if he so wants to.   He is healthier than I am in that way.  It will kick in for him in jail.

Anyway I tried so hard to be a warrior-by putting on that closed mean face (stay Away), by speaking real truth in many situations where other people would not, saying my truth at times, by finding any means to propel me to what I thought I wanted (job at bar, first time in AA, pysch help and all those trips, using Ralph so I could get out-that little girl tried everthing to get attention by sabotizing me and remeinding me I was not capable etc,  I need to speak to that little girl now and make peace. 

I just want to be safe.  First I want to kill him then I realize I want to be on the good side so I will be civil.  I lived in a civil family.  Later I did not want to be civil at all and came back around to the wish to kill.  I listened and my mother would excuse my father so much that I thought the, "he's so weak, didn't come from a good catholic family but drinkers and a divorcee (not about the   abuser) so excuse him and help him. YUKKKKKK